Well, I'm settled in here at college. Things are going decently. Just decently so far. I have a nice roommate..and yes, just one this year, thank goodness. Nice ground floor room and a bathroom that we share between two rooms. It's nice to have an actual bathroom to oneself to shower. Don't have to get dressed in a wet shower stall if there are people in the study room. After I'd gotten unpacked and got the curtains up, Matt from the fish and wildlife club called me and asked if I wanted to go on a two night camping excursion that night..I decided it wasn't the best idea, given their late start, among other things (hiking into camp with headlamps..rain predicted for the area!). So I stayed.

Now, I'm so frustrated with myself. I continue to dwell in past events and how things could have been. I was so close to falling back into the same old routine with Matt yesterday too. It was easy to forget and move on with my life during summer, when I was working and staying busy. But our exchange of books turned into several hours of talking. We stayed up late, awkwardly sitting in silence, hugging one another, on the verge of kissing. Luckily it was late and I was tired and knew I needed to get to sleep and still thinking straight. I woke up today and I knew that we couldn't get back together. Here's the thing: I have a possibly skewed idealistic concept of what I want in someone, in a relationship. Because when you're young and find someone that you feel you could be so completely happy with (and nothing ever happens) well..you tend to compare other people with that person. Maybe what I felt for said "ideal person" was genuine, that that could've been "it." Maybe it was all in my head - me picturing how things could be..perfect. Probably a little bit of both. I suppose you can't exactly separate the two entirely. In short, nobody I've had a chance with has come close to my ideal, and maybe my ideal is impossible for anybody.

As for that post, well..I'm tired of leaving out what's really going on in my life. This is a journal, and recaps of relatively uneventful activities and attempting to write creatively can only take it so far.