THE MANIFESTO
I have decided to post THE MANIFESTO. Perhaps I should consult the co-author of this piece before presenting it to the public. Then again, this is my blog, and approximately four people read this on a semi-regular to regular basis. Plus it was written way back in 2003 or something. So that is probably GROSSLY UNWARRANTED. Thus, I present to you THE MANIFESTO: A masterwork of udder genius by Merrie Richardson and Alex Arrowsmith.
Disclaimer: this may make little sense to you.
We the authors, in order to reveal the sham that is this formal tone and everything else known previously declare a new world order of bona fide greatness to negate and neglect the distasteful 'trossless society. We have examined, through much scrutiny of key elements including admirable personality traits and current fashionable trends and concluded that the elements of this world can be broken down into several main categories: trends that have a lasting quality, admirable personality traits, shams, misc., and wild beasts, of which there are many of honor - and of sham.
Having established that this is a rough draft, we the humble and egocentric authors hereby introduce the Four Great Admirable, Enviable, Esteemed, and Venerable Personality Traits. The following traits have received a sea lion of approval by the popularly elected Mr. Tross, albatross ruler supreme: punctuality, versatility, honesty, responsibility, and the ability to abbreviate efficiently.
Mr. Tross has decreed that punctuality shall be placed higher than any other personality trait because if one is honest, he or she is punctual. If one is responsible, he or she is punctual. If one is versatile, then he or she will utilize his or her resourcefulness to do everything in his or her power to behave in a punctual manner.
As you can see, punctuality encompasses all other admirable, enviable, esteemed, and venerable personality traits. Versatility brings the world to your fingertips, for if one is versatile, one can survive not only jellyfish attacks, but mass extinctions and asteroid pummelings. Honesty is important, and we are not exactly sure why. We were force fed that in school, along with apple butter, and since going to school tomorrow and apple butter are shams...never mind we said that. Sorry.
Responsibility is important because one should always take care of his or her fellow 'tross.
The 'bility t'breviate a'ything & e'erything 'ficiently is quite 'haps the 'st 'ficult o' traits to 'ster. It should be noted that at times, it is difficult to make sense of anything that has been masterfully 'breviated. Deal with it. The importance of masterful 'breviation is two-pronged: if one can skillfully do this, he or she is arriving at his or her meaning sooner than would be expected. In addition, one will ne'er be late if one 'breviates masterfully due to the fact that one spends less effort writing and more effort trying to get to one's destination. Writing is not your destiny; you need to get where you need to be. This rule also applies to speech, unless of course your allotted time is greater than what you know you can make your speech to be. In this case, assume that 'breviations are not necessary.
Trends are of note because where else would foot plumage fit in? However, foot plumage is not a normal trend for it looks that it will stand the test of time. That's right - in 100 years, you will still be seeing chickens with foot plumage. Why is foot plumage good? Because foot plumage is like a natural bell bottom, and bell bottoms used to be a huge trend.
Trends are a trend because - wait a second, maybe trends aren't a trend after all! I think we've just uncovered the harsh and grisly truth. Trends are here to stay. Does one need any more reason to include them in a manifesto than that? We highly doubt it.
Cryptozoology is a trend because of the recent chupacabra revival in parts of the world, and because thousands of misinformed citizens head out into the backwoods of America searching for Bigfoot.
Last and certainly least, we have shams. As much as we hate to waste paper space on shams (and as much as we would like to 'breviate this entire section with the largest apostrophe ever mustered by mankind), we feel that it is important to bring the harsh and grisly truth to the attention of the general public.
Going to school tomorrow is a sham because who really wants to go to school tomorrow? A show of hands would be useful here, despite the fact that we cannot see you. Or maybe we can...anyway, we'll just carry on with that assumption that no hands are raised.
Apple butter - our favorite sham. It sounds good, right? If it does, you've never experienced apple butter on a bed of English muffin. It fails to achieve the heights of marmalade.
Seagulls are our second favorite sham. 'Gulls are too obsequious. They think that circling above their objects of affection will win them the popular vote against the 'trosses. Face it 'gulls: your wingspans will never be more impressive than the wingspans of the wandering albatross. It is impossible to be objective about seagulls through writing, because 'gulls are jerks.
Shammies are shams because they can never actually get the car dried after an intense car wash. Air-drying is far superior. Towels don't work either, and shammies just wish they were towels, which is deplorable to say the least.
CIMS and CAMSs are shams. Because of CIMs and CAMs, we were subjected to the reality of apple butter before our time.
Plankton are a sham because they are at the very bottom of the chain of food, and how can one respect something that low on the chain of food? There is never enough plankton to eat because the whales decided early on to attempt to eat them all. Furthermore, several species of whales spent millions of years evolvling for the sole purpose of being able to eat plankton. And if you invite plankton to a party, whales are sure to follow. Most homes today simplly are not large enough to accomodate one whale, much less multiple whales with a lustful appetite for plankton.
Jellyfish attacks are a sham because every other species of animal attack is far more impressive. Picture this: you've just arrived home from the hospital following a nasty animal attack. Would you rather tell your friends, "A blob of jelly bumped into me" or "I was relentlessly pursued by a bear and subsequently mauled (viciously) by said bear." You must ask yourself if your preferred souvenir would be a small blob of jelly or a razor-sharp bear claw.
Penguins think they're all that because they can slide. However, given the opportunity, we believe that an albatross would be able to toboggan gracefully and skillfully. However, the ability to toboggan alone does not free the penguins from the shackles of shamness. Many people admire the black and white plumage of penguins, but these people have never seen the glory that is an albatross's plumage. Also, penguins do not have a good attack method, for all they can muster is a vigorous waddle.
I have decided to post THE MANIFESTO. Perhaps I should consult the co-author of this piece before presenting it to the public. Then again, this is my blog, and approximately four people read this on a semi-regular to regular basis. Plus it was written way back in 2003 or something. So that is probably GROSSLY UNWARRANTED. Thus, I present to you THE MANIFESTO: A masterwork of udder genius by Merrie Richardson and Alex Arrowsmith.
Disclaimer: this may make little sense to you.
We the authors, in order to reveal the sham that is this formal tone and everything else known previously declare a new world order of bona fide greatness to negate and neglect the distasteful 'trossless society. We have examined, through much scrutiny of key elements including admirable personality traits and current fashionable trends and concluded that the elements of this world can be broken down into several main categories: trends that have a lasting quality, admirable personality traits, shams, misc., and wild beasts, of which there are many of honor - and of sham.
Having established that this is a rough draft, we the humble and egocentric authors hereby introduce the Four Great Admirable, Enviable, Esteemed, and Venerable Personality Traits. The following traits have received a sea lion of approval by the popularly elected Mr. Tross, albatross ruler supreme: punctuality, versatility, honesty, responsibility, and the ability to abbreviate efficiently.
Mr. Tross has decreed that punctuality shall be placed higher than any other personality trait because if one is honest, he or she is punctual. If one is responsible, he or she is punctual. If one is versatile, then he or she will utilize his or her resourcefulness to do everything in his or her power to behave in a punctual manner.
As you can see, punctuality encompasses all other admirable, enviable, esteemed, and venerable personality traits. Versatility brings the world to your fingertips, for if one is versatile, one can survive not only jellyfish attacks, but mass extinctions and asteroid pummelings. Honesty is important, and we are not exactly sure why. We were force fed that in school, along with apple butter, and since going to school tomorrow and apple butter are shams...never mind we said that. Sorry.
Responsibility is important because one should always take care of his or her fellow 'tross.
The 'bility t'breviate a'ything & e'erything 'ficiently is quite 'haps the 'st 'ficult o' traits to 'ster. It should be noted that at times, it is difficult to make sense of anything that has been masterfully 'breviated. Deal with it. The importance of masterful 'breviation is two-pronged: if one can skillfully do this, he or she is arriving at his or her meaning sooner than would be expected. In addition, one will ne'er be late if one 'breviates masterfully due to the fact that one spends less effort writing and more effort trying to get to one's destination. Writing is not your destiny; you need to get where you need to be. This rule also applies to speech, unless of course your allotted time is greater than what you know you can make your speech to be. In this case, assume that 'breviations are not necessary.
Trends are of note because where else would foot plumage fit in? However, foot plumage is not a normal trend for it looks that it will stand the test of time. That's right - in 100 years, you will still be seeing chickens with foot plumage. Why is foot plumage good? Because foot plumage is like a natural bell bottom, and bell bottoms used to be a huge trend.
Trends are a trend because - wait a second, maybe trends aren't a trend after all! I think we've just uncovered the harsh and grisly truth. Trends are here to stay. Does one need any more reason to include them in a manifesto than that? We highly doubt it.
Cryptozoology is a trend because of the recent chupacabra revival in parts of the world, and because thousands of misinformed citizens head out into the backwoods of America searching for Bigfoot.
Last and certainly least, we have shams. As much as we hate to waste paper space on shams (and as much as we would like to 'breviate this entire section with the largest apostrophe ever mustered by mankind), we feel that it is important to bring the harsh and grisly truth to the attention of the general public.
Going to school tomorrow is a sham because who really wants to go to school tomorrow? A show of hands would be useful here, despite the fact that we cannot see you. Or maybe we can...anyway, we'll just carry on with that assumption that no hands are raised.
Apple butter - our favorite sham. It sounds good, right? If it does, you've never experienced apple butter on a bed of English muffin. It fails to achieve the heights of marmalade.
Seagulls are our second favorite sham. 'Gulls are too obsequious. They think that circling above their objects of affection will win them the popular vote against the 'trosses. Face it 'gulls: your wingspans will never be more impressive than the wingspans of the wandering albatross. It is impossible to be objective about seagulls through writing, because 'gulls are jerks.
Shammies are shams because they can never actually get the car dried after an intense car wash. Air-drying is far superior. Towels don't work either, and shammies just wish they were towels, which is deplorable to say the least.
CIMS and CAMSs are shams. Because of CIMs and CAMs, we were subjected to the reality of apple butter before our time.
Plankton are a sham because they are at the very bottom of the chain of food, and how can one respect something that low on the chain of food? There is never enough plankton to eat because the whales decided early on to attempt to eat them all. Furthermore, several species of whales spent millions of years evolvling for the sole purpose of being able to eat plankton. And if you invite plankton to a party, whales are sure to follow. Most homes today simplly are not large enough to accomodate one whale, much less multiple whales with a lustful appetite for plankton.
Jellyfish attacks are a sham because every other species of animal attack is far more impressive. Picture this: you've just arrived home from the hospital following a nasty animal attack. Would you rather tell your friends, "A blob of jelly bumped into me" or "I was relentlessly pursued by a bear and subsequently mauled (viciously) by said bear." You must ask yourself if your preferred souvenir would be a small blob of jelly or a razor-sharp bear claw.
Penguins think they're all that because they can slide. However, given the opportunity, we believe that an albatross would be able to toboggan gracefully and skillfully. However, the ability to toboggan alone does not free the penguins from the shackles of shamness. Many people admire the black and white plumage of penguins, but these people have never seen the glory that is an albatross's plumage. Also, penguins do not have a good attack method, for all they can muster is a vigorous waddle.
2 Comments:
At 9:01 PM ,
Becky said...
'esus.
I stopped somewhere about halfway through.
I'm not entirely sure -- but did you *mean* to throw in another animal pun with "udder" in the introduction?
At 6:31 PM ,
Merrie said...
yes, Becky, yes.
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